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| 02:02pm 01/06/2003 |
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I made a new journal.
I'm sure you guys will notice the name on your lists.
Add me...aiight? |
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| 10:58pm 29/05/2003 |
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mood: determined music: Send me an Angel
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Do you believe in heaven above
Do you believe in love
Don't tell a lie; don't be false or untrue
It all comes back to you
Open fire!
On my burning heart
I've never been lucky in love
My defenses are down; a kiss or a frown
I can't survive on my own
If a girl walks in and carves her name on my heart
I'll turn and run away
Every day we've all been led astray
It's hard to be lucky in love
It gets in your eyes
It's making you cry
Don't know what to do (don't know what to do)
You're looking for love
Calling heaven above
Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now
Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now
Empty dreams can only disappoint
In a room behind your smile
But don't give up
Don't give up
You can be lucky in love
It gets in your eyes
It's making you cry
Don't know what to do (don't know what to do)
You're looking for love
Callin' heaven above
Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now
Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now |
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| This song has great bass... |
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| 07:46pm 29/05/2003 |
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mood:  horny music: Hun Joro- Sigur Ros
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So I worked today, blah blah blah.
Bathed dogs, some woman gave me a 5 buck tip for basically no reason.
Picked up a web cam, which is amusing me no end.
If anyone has yahoo, gimmie your name so I can use the cam.
Had a 45 minute long fight with my parents.
I won't go into details but the breakdown is
"We hate what you look like now, the clothes, the hair, the walk ,etc. You're going against nature, etc etc. We don't have to like it, and if you can't tolerate what we say to you, or what we tell you to do, then get the fuck out of our house"
----As in I have to take my mothers incessent harrasment.
And her comments on what I should do with my hair,etc.
My break down is simple. I'm female bodied, male gendered, Brandon Alexander Reed, and he doesnt care what people think he should have changed or not changed. And if you cant accept it, thats ok, I'm not asking for acceptance, I'm asking for at the least a neutral ground and the respect entilted another human being. I'm transgendered, intergendered, no gender, and whole. I can handle my own identity, even if theres no one like me, everyone like me, or everyone against me. And if you can't handle my identity, then stop whining.
So...yea.
And I'm just...stressed.
If I hadnt been so fucking busy working and handling school and the stupid pressure she put on me since age 15, then maybe I'd have a license now, and I could drive away from this crap. But I can't. So basically I have to swallow down the hurt and the anger, trudge to work, back here, and deal with both my parents and the people in this town ragging on me.
And the only sliver of light I have is friendship with a girl , a crush, that'll most likely end up nowhere.
And this song makes me horny.
-done- |
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| Damn Tv. And Damn Me. Damn Lonely. |
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| 10:09pm 28/05/2003 |
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mood:  sad music: Say Goodnight--Beth Nielsen Chapman
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Beth Nielsen Chapman
- Say Goodnight
Say goodnight not good-bye
You will never leave my heart behind
Like the path of a star
I'll be anywhere you are
In the spark that lies beneath the coals
In the secret place inside your soul
Keep my light in your eyes
Say goodnight not good-bye
Don't you fear when you dream
Waking up is never what it seems
Like a jewel buried deep
Like a promise meant to keep
You are everything you want to be
So just let your heart reach out to me
I'll be right by your side
Say goodnight not good-bye
You are everything you want to be
So just let your heart reach out to me
Keep my light in your eyes
Say goodnight not good-bye |
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| Is there no modern romance? |
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| 12:21am 28/05/2003 |
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mood:  tired music: No modern romance- the yeah yeah yeahs
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Whooo. Tired.
An okay day.
Madness at the kennel with 70 check outs, everyone was stressing,but
managed to make it out in one piece at 1. Here then, to
laze about; workout, shower and eat.
Hopped on the computer for a while.
Spent most of the time talking to Erika, and watching
her on her web cam. She is beautiful, despite what she thinks,
and we have the same thoughts far too often. Lol. As well the same likes in other
areas, such as music and such. Its weird.
I enjoyed talking to her. -sigh- Blah..
Tomorrow is my day off, someone has to keep me entertained.
People at least better IM me.
Friday night, maybe go bowling with Nikki and them , but;
1- I havent bowled in a while
2- Nikki seems to have outed me to a bunch of people I havent talked to in 9months. Its a bit..weird.
Hmm.
Tired tired, cuddle, tired, sleep , sex, tired, hungry, horny, tired, cuddle, love.
welll. |
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| No life at all |
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| 08:02pm 27/05/2003 |
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mood:  amused
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 You'll Get Caught Doing it On the Kitchen Table!You're a traditional girl with a flair for romance. You appreciate a candlelight dinner and a good bottle of wine. You believe love improves sex, but you've been known to be impulsive. The kitchen table fits your impulsive nature perfectly... And it's great for not messing up the bed when you're having an affair. On the outside you look proper and even a bit conservative. But on the inside, you're hotter than your oven on "Broil"! - Especially when you start fantasizing about your crush walking in! Where Will You Get Caught Having Sex?More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva
 You Are Always HornyYou are naughty, and your mind is almost always in the gutter. When you get horny, you want it fast! You're not into wasting your time playing hard to get. Whether you've got a willing partner or not, you are going to give yourself a blast of a time. You aren't like most girls. You like porno, you are forward, and you are willing to experiment with both guys and girls. You are a rare breed. It isn't just your sex drive - it's your open mind as well. It's hard to being a horny girl in this world, but you handle yourself well! How Horny Are You?More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva
 You Get Off on Hansel and Gretel!You're both lost in the woods: two unchaperoned virgins neglected by their parents and free to play doctor... But that jealous witch tries to upset your plans! Or maybe it's a morality tale about being a bit too greedy for a nibble on someone's sugar shack, and getting your goose cooked as a result? Then again, you could be confusing your lust for food with plain old lust. What Fairy Tale Gets *You* Off?More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva |
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| Weird. |
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| 07:35pm 27/05/2003 |
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mood: amused
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You are Rogue!
You are sexy and strong willed, and able to take on
just about anyone. You long for a serious
relationship, but whenever you begin to get
close to someone things always seem to take
turns for the worse. But you have dealt with
this lack of closeness with an almost constant
flirtacious behavior.
Which X-Men character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla |
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| well. thats interesting |
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| 07:27pm 27/05/2003 |
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mood: amused
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 Your Tongue's Talent is Rimming!You are wild and crazy, and not afraid to show it. You love seducing unexperienced partners into sharing your kinky taboo. Your strong, slimy tongue isn't afraid to go anywhere, and you dig into that ass deep! You're dirty, and you love it. But be careful, you're bound to lose friends over this naughty little fetish. Don't be so open, some people just can't handle all your kinkiness. You'd be most compatible with a Pussy Licker. You both love exploring deep, dark places with your tongue, and would benefit from trading secrets. What's Your Tongue's Talent?More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva |
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| don't worry. i'll catch you |
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| 12:29am 27/05/2003 |
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mood: restless music: Beautiful- Mandalay
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Apparently I have to wait until I'm past 21 to befriend people who will treat me as more then a number, a gender, or a sexual orientation.
Whatever. This is my fucking journal, and I can post as I wish here.
I say that because certain circumstances have played out one way at a point in time, doesn't mean it has to affect life.
I feel that trust and honesty should be two way, for to place your trust and be fully honest in someone who will not return it is never set up to be true.
I see that perhaps posting in lj was once a beloved past time to document the budding and flowering of something tender. When the petals fall from the flower, the bud from the branch, hatred and neglect can replace that old feeling.
I believe in fairy tales and true love. I don't think everyone will find them to be true, or that they all are. But we can all hope, as long as we don't confuse that hope with reality.
I'll cry the words to a song in place of your eyes.
And settle within my embrace the comfort of a pillow, rather
then the giving warmth of your form.
And thats to no one, and everyone. Those who used to be something special in my heart, or maybe even those that want to be. |
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| I don't understand |
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| 05:47pm 26/05/2003 |
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mood: crushed music: Don't believe it all- Treble Changer
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"No love, no friendship can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever." - Francois Muriac
"It is not a lack of love but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages." - Friedrich Neitzsche
The reality of the other person lies not in what he reveals to you but in what he cannot reveal to you. Therefore, if you would understand him, listen not to what he says but rather to what he does not say." - Kahlil Gibran "Sand and Foam"
"Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear." - Author Unknown
"What is hate, but love tortured by it's own hunger." - Author Unknown
"The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration." - Pearl S. Buck
"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn." - David Russell
"It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone." - Author Unknown
"Dreams are the best thing reality has to offer." - Thomas Gottschall
"It is better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not." - Phlostigin Verdigris
"Love isn't finding the perfect person, it's finding the imperfect person perfect." - Author Unknown
"It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them." - Author Unknown
"The graveyards are full of irreplaceable people." - Author Unknown
"Life is a disease: sexually transmitted and always fatal." - Neil Gaiman
"What is assumed but not expressed does not exist, what is expressed but not understood is meaningless, and what is understood but not practiced is assumed." - Christopher R. Bender |
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| Damn song is TIMED for sex. |
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| 12:33am 26/05/2003 |
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mood: horny music: push the limits- Enigma
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So around 5 o clock my world crashed again.
I'd go into it, but 1) no one cares, and 2) I don't feel like bringing it back up in this post. Suffice to say I was saved from bad times by a lucky trip to see the Matrix Reloaded.
Damn movie. Made me horny.
Hrrn.
I have some weird thing going for black clothing and leather and vinyl and guns. And yea. So that was kick ass. I suggest downloading the songs off the soundtrack. Worth it.
Zion is an orgy song. -cough-
3 important facts
-Even when I fit some of the criteria, I fail at others. And still miss out on a chance with a girl.
-People should comment more in my journal. Damn yew.
-Connor. Conner. Brandon. Taylor. Damian.
Lets have some feedback people. |
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| Billy Jean is not mah loverrrrr |
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| 01:06pm 25/05/2003 |
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mood:  pleased music: Billy Jean- Michael Jackson
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Hurrah.
Work was from 8-12 today.
Rebecca came in at 9, Wayne left. We worked, but we were done by 11.
We mostly discussed shit like diversity in our town and in general, homphobia, etc. I really like talking to her, she's a year younger then me, and a year older then most of my friends here, but shes mature and I can talk to her on the level that I can't most people here.
I miss my fredonia friends; I miss getting into discussions over dinner in Erie, or walking at night and talking. It's only been a week.
Narrowing down name possibilities maybe; Connor, Conner, Taylor, Damian.
Suggestions?
Working out now. I'm glad Tristan and Bai snapped me out of my slump.
I've got so much to do.
Plus mad doctor apps. to make during the week.
Off for a bit of working on the machine.
Ja. |
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| Salvation in a phone call |
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| 01:28am 25/05/2003 |
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mood: refreshed music: Without you here- Finch
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Thank yew kindly bunneh for the music!
And you are not shy. Pssh.
Talked to Tristan and Bai on the phone today. They called out of no where, and it really brought me out of a slump I've been in the past few days. I hope my day later today doesn't slay me, but I feel..well..yea. refreshed. Like I can resume looking for a name, researching shit , and whatnot.
I almost felt an urge to write again , and I havent felt that since things ended with Sarah.
Talked to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) erocka for a bit. We have the same tastes in music, random things, etc. It's weird. I like how I always find things I like in people who either don't like me, have someone, or both. I think its a trait.
Course, then I had a convo with some girl. We'd been talking a bit, and I mentioned something on Brandon Teena that I was reading at the time. So she started to flip about "people being like that" , and so I broke down myself to her.
I've got a shitty female name that I hate to answer to .
I go by nicknames.
I want a gender neutral or a masculine name, legally.
I hate answering to female pronouns. I answer to male.
at this point, I'm almost...intergendered. Not almost, am. I approve of and take part in more masculine pursuits, hobbies, friendships,etc, and want the name and whatnot, but I dont want the full surgery. Plus its hard enough right now to change anything, being stuck with my parents and all. I know I can get emancipated, but I have to face it;
breaking off from them, while better for my sanity and stress, would be bad, because even though I have a job, I'd have to handle; full time school, insurance payments, doctors, school payments, etc etc etc. money money money and a place to live on holidays. I want to be independent, but I'm not stupid. When I'm ready, I'll be stern about my changes and life to them. For the time being, its far better to do a little sticking it out then breaking ties.
Until then. I'll handle myself with my friends, and change my name, pronouns etc. I'll dress how I want, regardless of what others say, I'll act how I want. Most see me as a polite individual, most esp when its needed, but othertimes as well, so what the hell does it matter if I do indeed get called my parents second son, oft times while out with my mother? If theres any shame in people in malls, stores, etc talking to me/treating me as if I'm a genetic male, then its my shame, but there isnt, so I wish some people would just get the fuck off my back.
..But thanks to the friends that are there for me. This is just as strange and uncertain for me as it is all of you, thanks for putting up. |
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| Just another slow motion accident.... |
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| 04:36pm 24/05/2003 |
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mood: disappointed music: She cries your name- Beth Orton
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Mad ass bummed. For some reason.
Just reading things today that aren't of any help to my mindframe.
Plus I've had a pounding headache the past few days.
And my speech and sight are messed up....who knows whats wrong.
I never talk to Vicki or Allison anymore, I guess.
I like someone....and that's a dead end, I'm supposing.
Why can't I just live in Buffalo?
Out by myself. Or with Jules.
Near Bai and Tristan.
Why does everything have to be unfocused and distant?
I took a shower in the dark today.
The steam was rising, the water was almost blisteringly hot.
I sat there with arms wrapped around knees, contacts off. And stared into the shadowed darkness.
Listening to Kidney thieves, and evanescence.
just thought of fragments of what i want
someone was in bed with me
someone was in the shower with me
i was working out.
getting chest surgery
in buffalo at niagara falls in the drifting snow
where was i? |
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| It's an oldies sorta day |
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| 12:23am 24/05/2003 |
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mood: tired music: Cecila- Simon and Garfunkle
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Worked 8-5 again. Tired, more work today, 30 dogs came in.
I almost got nailed by a wolfhound, and I got raked by a Lab that jumped me. Theres claw marks on my stomach, lol.
2 really aggressive dogs came in today, with muzzles, it was interesting. I can't wait till friggin June, when schools let out and we get more girls to work. I like doing the back work with the dogs, but its insanely busy lately.
I was irritated today. Used to be that I could lift a yearling rottie, like 60-80 lbs and carry it around. Now I get arm aches from slinging 50 lb feed bags.
I need to shape back up, I'm shit now. Blah.
-Tristans a cool dude, and Bai's great. i gotta try and visit em.
-grades are still a bummer
- I want to talk to this girl , but shes never online. lol. actually i dont think she likes talking to me. bllargh
My love horoscope for today is amusing
Daily Single's Love
May 24, 2003
The difference between lust and love is the difference between touching and talking. You have permission to be here, but how far will that get you? Maybe the other person wants you, but maybe he or she is on a different timeline. Be patient.
..What other person? |
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| 01:02am 23/05/2003 |
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mood:  pissed off music: So Close- Evanescence
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Yanno what?
Fuck college. Fuck grades. I got a 2.55, which means my mothers going to make me drop college, etc.
Fuck parents. Fuck Mahopac.
Fuck girls. Fuck people in happy relationships. Fuck people in unhappy ones.
Fuck falling asleep in an empty bed.
________
So Close Lyrics
I've spent so much time throwing rocks at your window
That I never even knocked on the front door
I walk by statues never even made one chip
but if i could leave a mark on the monument of the heart
I just might lay myself down for a little more than I had the last day
Wait a time to spare these lies we tell ourselves
These days have come and gone
But this time is sweeter than honey |
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| Part 2. prior post |
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| 12:04am 23/05/2003 |
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mood: horny music: Freak on a leash- Korn [remix]
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Lets break it down.
-Went to mall most of day. Ok
-Wish more people I liked were : Single and had a interest in me.
-Need more emo/indie/ techno music, suggestions?
-This type of music makes me horny. I need to force somebody to do something. |
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| I want all my kisses back from you |
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| 11:43pm 22/05/2003 |
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mood: horny music: Freak on a leash-remix - Korn
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Blah. Today wasn't bad.
I stayed up late, so I slept until about 12.
Woke, played around online a bit, set up a web page.
Went to the mall with Steve and Nikki at 3, because I haven't seen them in a bit, especially Nikki. She was ok, only a tad bit weirded out since I came out to her. I guess it'll smooth out in time.
I'm really really boooooorrrrrrrrreeeeeeeddddd.
I've been going to bed around 3 though, out of pure stubborness. There isnt as much to do here as in fredonia. Or there is, but theres the wrong people here.
grr.
I wish more people I had an interest in were single.
And liked me.
It'd make things easier.
and some songs like these make me horny.
or make me want to hold someone down and...yea |
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grumpy
